Wednesday 4 January 2012

From Marital Separation to Friendship

What happens when a marriage fails and people who were once 'best friends' in a relationship separate? In addition to the requisite suffering, the two people find themselves desperately lonely, having lost their closest confidante and Citrix 1Y0-A14 practice test emotional support along with their dreams of the future. For some it means cutting contact but for others there is an opportunity to redefine the relationship from Marital Separation to Friendship. For many this is the new way of splitting up and especially if there are children involved, it's the most civilized way.
Is it possible to reclaim the friendship? If the marriage was between people who once genuinely called themselves 'friends', with honest respect for each other, despite the pain of new separation the answer is yes, if both parties want it.
The first step in redefining a relationship is stating the desired outcome. It may sound unlikely when the split is new and everything is so painful but it is possible to say among the tears "I want us to be friends someday". If the partners are able to keep communications civil by using a mediator or marriage counsellor (in this case more like a separation counsellor) they have a better chance of not saying those nasty things which can permanently damage relations. We all know that there are certain hurts that come from an angry outburst that can't easily be repaired with an apology. By stating the ideal outcome two people can work towards the goal of defining their new friendship.
Dealing with our anger, dropping our expectations and relieving the other party Citrix 1Y0-A15 practice test of our unconscious needs frees up a lot of emotional space in a relationship. Of course that means becoming aware of our unconscious needs, and we all have them. When both people can independently explore their own part in the marriage, take responsibility for their actions and grieve the outcome (there again likely with the help of a qualified therapist), they stand a chance at not repeating unhealthy blaming patterns. Taking personal responsibility takes toxic phrases like 'you should' and 'you always' out of our interactions and replaces them with more constructive 'I want' and 'I wish'.
Sometimes a relationship is forced to change because the marriage has become codependent, with one or both partners looking to the other to fulfill their emotional needs. If both parties can work through their issues of dependence and learn to take care of themselves lovingly, there is a good chance they can succeed in moving on to a new version of the relationship. Once blaming and acting out are taken off the table and therefore making the space together a safe place for them to share time and space, two people can start appreciating each other again.
For some this may lead to renewed romance, certainly for those with the roots of their relationship in codependence it will simply represent a peak dramatic point in their dynamic and they will resume their unhealthy pattern together, destined to reach crisis and break up again at some point. For others it may mean renewed love and if each person can talk about this openly it may very well be where the relationship goes. For most, however, a new friendship can blossom after romance is removed from the possible outcome. After all, with our closest friends we don't hold expectations and feel safe when we know we are accepted as we are.
If we accept that people change and that growth is a natural and necessary part of our development then we can accept that relationships can change as well. When a marriage ends but the people want (and in the case of shared parenthood need to) maintain communication, it is possible to help a marriage grow from divorce into SU0-211 a real friendship. With guidance, goodwill and effort it is possible to redefine the relationship from Marital Separation to Friendship, rewarding ourselves with a supportive and caring friendship and modeling healthy growth to our children. We can begin again.

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